So, there's this tender, sad spot in your heart. And there's something torturing that tender spot with the brutal precision of a dental drill. There's a maniacal, high-pitched whine and the scent of burning bone in the air all around you. It fucking hurts. You're in pain. The kind of smoldering pain that plunges to the forefront of your consciousness all of the other incredibly shitty times that you felt shredded by life. You've been disappointed, abandoned, rejected. You've failed. You don't look cool, you don't look good. At all.
You're tired and smelly and needy and covered with snot.
It's wretched, I know.
For the last month I've been getting wheedled by that dental drill. I've attained epic heights of self-pity - vast vistas of inconsolable angst. The kind of angst possibly known only to you, me, Kafka, Charlie Brown, and Morrissey.
The thing that I keep having to realize about this angst every time it wells up in me is the same: this is my big chance for freedom and power.
The opportunity to get free and powerful doesn't come when everything is going the way I want it to. It doesn't come when I'm riding high and all forces are appropriately and neatly lining up in a manner that fully suits my vanity and readily feeds my hunger.
It's actually only when I'm feeling massively fucked up and low that the chance to dramatically alter my consciousness really kicks in. Because when life is unfolding in a fashion that doesn't feel remotely comfortable, that's when I have the opportunity to learn to get off on the discomfort.
So I've chosen to revel in how very awful everything is. And I don't mean to wallow in it. I mean to actually practice wildly enjoying things just as they are, in all of their amazing suck.
And oh my god, they suck.
I've chosen this because I know deep within myself that what I want most is actually not to be safe and protected. I don't truly want to have everyone and everything follow my rules all the time and thereby never disappoint, frustrate, or offend me. That would be boring.
What I want to know that I'm huge and free and strong enough to learn to get really turned on by reality and other people doing exactly what they do.
Namely - disappoint, frustrate, and offend me.
I want this because I want to experience myself outside the bounds of my conditioned identity and attachments. I want to feel the boundless, pulsing love of my own nature, touching me and touching everyone without limit, discrimination, or refusal.
And as I settle into that revelry I can feel warmth and openness moving into my chest where previously just the dental drill was whirring.
A bit about me, Carolyn Elliott
I coach magical, creative people to live turned-on, ecstatic lives rich with genius and electricity. I’m the author of Awaken Your Genius: A Seven-Step Path to Feeing Your Creativity and Manifesting You Dreams (North Atlantic / Random House). I also lead the Outlaw Court, a secret Facebook group where outlaws are hugely supported in rocking their magic and bringing their Things into the world – if you’re magic and you know it, you’re welcome to to join the Outlaw Court.