The Outlaw Court - where magic becomes power

We  magic people all know what it's like to feel downtrodden, misunderstood, and woefully disheartened by the  slog of life in conventional muggle society.

The muggles (DISCLAIMER: no one is truly and permanently a muggle.  Every living being is actually intensely magical - but if  someone is in denial about her magic, then she's functioning as a muggle and there's really no other way to say it, sad as it is)  have about a zillion means of raining on our ecstatic enchanted parades.

I've seen dear friends of mine locked up for weeks in institutions simply for expressing too much raucous joy while in a state of kundalini awakening.

I've also seen  fabulous magic people descend into addiction or depression because they just don't know how to make a sustainable living from their magic gifts in this muggle-dominated world.

I'm not going to sit idly by while the Nothing destroys my people.  I'm committed to bringing magic back to its rightful place at the center of our culture and helping magic people to flourish.

The Nothing =  the conditioned negative feelings and beliefs within all of us fear, self-pity, anxiety, self-doubt, resentment, worry, ignorance  in all its forms -- and the relentlessly boring, violent, ugly, consumerist world that springs up when people put their trust in the Nothing instead of in their magic. The Nothing is also the source of all the Static that slows us down in working on our Things.

In the Outlaw Court we're sparking a large-scale Rebirth of Magic (i.e., a Renaissance - from the French "naissance" meaning "birth" and the prefix "re" meaning "again").  And I'm inviting you to bring your fuel to the Renaissance-ing Fire at the cozy and dangerous outpost I'm founding for magic renegades who have a dear Thing that they want to bring forth into the world.

A Thing = a masterpiece, a business, a project, a calling, a relationship, a comedy troupe, a family, a dog show, a knitting group - could be any or all or none of these or something else.  Magic people just have Things they need to bring forth.  That's how the Nothing gets dissolved and how the Renaissance thrives. Through the Things magic people do.

The Nothing is practically impossible for us each to fight alone.  Many of us magic people have tragically gone crazy or gotten addicted to drugs or other numbing agents in the effort to survive the fight solo.  

Yet together - we can dissolve the power of the Nothing in our own hearts, thereby liberating ourselves and those around us.  Eventually we can reclaim this whole green globe  for the reign of  Magic, Imagination, Hotness, and Love - all while staying sane and thriving in the material realm.

So what exactly is the Outlaw Court?


The Outlaw Court is a (virtual, imaginal) ramshackle-yet-strangely-opulent outpost in a primeval forest  presided over by a benevolent-yet-also-unspeakably-wicked fairy queen  (ahem, c'est moi) where  magic people from all over the earth (and some other planets and dimensions too, to be honest) band together around a roaring hearth to outwit the soul-crushing Nothing and make GIANT progress on the projects that matter most to  us.


(image: Court of the Faeries by James Christensen)

It's the place where we take our magic and turn it into power - power to make stuff happen while feeling easeful and grand.

In other words, the Outlaw Court is a  secret Facebook group where you get massive support for your magic and your Thing.  To find out more about the forms in which that support manifests, read on.

Yeah, but what's the vibe like?

The vibe is playful and weird and sexy and intimate. It's very fun and smart and quite intensely wonderful.

The Outlaw Court, unlike it's vast mega-festival of a sister group, The Dreamer's Tantra (7000+ members and counting! all of whom you are certainly welcome to join if you haven't already!) is a limited-membership, private, adults-only (18+) affair dedicated to serious magic, serious business, and serious fun. Seriously.

At the Outlaw Court, you don't need to downplay your strength or your vulnerability at all.

You can show up in  your full radiant regalia or just lay in a pile of misery on the floor.  Either way you'll get love and attention for all the parts of yourself and your dreams that need it.

The Outlaw Court proudly shelters and supports magic people of all stripes and flavors:

  • techno-shamans
  • intuitives
  • empaths
  • music-makers
  • dreamers of dreams
  • psychonauts
  • mad artists
  • tantrikas
  • cyber-punks
  • visionary poets
  • shape-shifters
  • dakinis
  • Taoist sages
  • wild beasts
  • gods
  • goddesses
  • muses
  • courtesans
  • witches
  • warlocks
  • everyone else who is awesome
  • - and obviously! - every sort of fairy

What You Get as a Courtier in the Outlaw Court


In 2013 - 2014 Outlaw Courtiers receive:

-  free access to frequent Courtier-led  Conjurings

Conjurings = we Courtiers gather in a Google hangout, review our progress on our Thing, celebrate our advances, brainstorm,  and decide on one action step we'll each complete on our Thing before the next Conjuring.

- free access to weekly Coaching Circles offered by  me (these Coaching Circles will cost more than $25 a pop for non-courtiers).

Coaching Circles = intimate group events wherein I give exquisite attention to individual Courtiers to individually to draw out their deepest desires and alchemize that desire into love and power.

- eligibility for the Magical Monthly Gifting

The Magical Monthly Gifting = each month, it's my good pleasure to choose a different Courtier to gift with a lump sum that I've decided to set aside by earmarking a $3 portion of what comes in from each Courtier's subscription fees.  So for example - when we get up to 1000 Courtiers in the group, the Magical Monthly Gifting I'll be able to award will be $3000.

NOTE: for official purposes, I need to mention that the Magical Monthly Gifting is not a lottery or even a guarantee.  It's just me telling you about something I happen to plan to do with a part of each subscription fee that I receive. The subscription payments, once I receive them, will be legally mine (as in, I'll be taxed on them as income). It just so happens that I like to give, so I plan to give.  And I'm letting you know that.  It could also be that I get taken over by a non-gifting virus and decide not to do the Magical Monthly Gifting at all. Very unlikely, but possible. And that non-gifting, though tragic and lamentable, would be my legal right, because it's my own personal taxed income that I can choose to gift or not gift.  So, just a heads up, folks.

- access to an ever-growing, brilliantly-curated Magic Library of rare books, music, and video resources.

The Magic Library = a page in the Files section of the Outlaw Court secret Facebook group with links to astounding riches to fuel your growth.

- and last but certainly not least: a vibrant, intimate, and loving forum full of magic people from around the world who've been self-selected for their willingness to dissolve the Nothing in themselves and others and bring about the Rebirth of Magic.

What Will Happen in the Outlaw Court

Multidimensional breakthroughs. Explosive revelations. Dissolution of blocks and fears.  The shrinking of the Nothing. The nurturing of businesses and the makings of the monies.  The healing of battle wounds. The births of tantric dragon bodhisattvas. The fulfillment of goals and wishes.  Much rejoicing.



The Outlaw Court - though very friendly and cozy - is not for everyone.

We're about the pragmatic practice of real-life emotional alchemy and gritty, bloody, sexy,  fierce compassion - and not so so so much about  "love & light!"  and feel-good memes (except, you know, when we are).

This means that the Outlaw Court is best for magic people who are self-responsible adults (18+ only - sorry, kids) and who have a general tantric orientation towards life (i.e., you embrace all phenomenon- including passionate desire and anger and heartbreak as part of your path).

"So how much does this cost?"


Pioneer Courtiers who join in the months of October, November and December 2013 will enjoy a subscription rate of just $13 a month, and just so you know -  $3 out of each payment I'll be setting aside to my Magical Monthly Gifting.   The Pioneer Courtiers will continue to enjoy this same $13 per month  subscription rate throughout their stay at the Outlaw Court.

Courtiers who join after 2013 will enjoy a higher subscription rate. 'Cause thems the breaks.

"What if I sign up and then change my mind and want out?"


Mind-changing is cool.  Plus, I only want you to be in the Outlaw Court if you really want to be there.  So if you decide it's not for you, send me an email at and I'll cancel your subscription payment for all future months and then take you out of the group and wish you very happy magic travels.   I won't be offering refunds for subscription payments that have already processed, though.  So if you join us, you'll be at least paying for one month's subscription.

"Okay, I'm in. Where do I join?"

Initiation into the Outlaw Court has four steps.  Three of which you do - one of which I do.

Please allow up to 72 hours for the whole process to happen - right now I'm a one-woman show who handles all administrative stuff solo.

NOTE: In addition to being a one-woman show, I'm also a tad absent-minded (kind of like Merlin - so many potions to brew, so little time!).  So if it seems to you like there's a snag in the process or it's taking longer than 72 hours for your add to the group to go through - please don't stress.  Just send me lots of love and another email and / or Facebook message to remind me to add you. Thank you.

1) Click the PayPal "Subscribe" button below and enter your debit, credit card, or PayPal account information.  I'll receive an email verifying your subscription payment.

2) After you enter your payment for subscription, send me an email at with the subject heading "I'm ready for the Outlaw Court."  Include in the email your name on Facebook (very important so I can friend you and add you to the group!).  Also include in the email your answers to the following three questions so that I can introduce you to the group:

  • a) How has magic evidenced itself so far in your life?
  • b) What is your Thing, or what might your Thing be?
  • c) What are your super-powers?

3) Accept my Facebook friend request (very important - this step has to happen in order for me to add you to the group!).  My Facebook friend request should appear for you within 48 hours.  You can also get proactive about it and send me a friend request.  Oooh la la! So exciting! My name on Facebook is Carolyn Elliott.  Same as my actual name.

NOTE: If we're already Facebook friends it's a very good idea to send me a Facebook message and be like "Hey, what's up Carolyn? I subscribed to the Outlaw Court! Yay! Add me to the secret group!"

4) I add you to the group, introduce you to the gang of Courtiers using the answers to the questions you sent me , and the adventure begins!

The Incredibly Alluring and Delicious PayPal Subscribe Button


Oooooooooooh.  Isn't it so golden and shiny?

Posted on October 2, 2013 and filed under Uncategorized.

The Game is Infinite. It starts now.

I just posted this in my Dreamer's Tantra Facebook group.  You're welcome to join us. Dreamers,

We're all going to play a game.

The game, like this group, is called the Dreamer's Tantra.  It's a game I've been playing for awhile now, and I now want to invite you to play it with me.

It's an infinite game, which means it can only be played by magic people.  Muggles are too busy playing finite games.

It's a game in which we all step up and become the much-larger-than-life heroes that we truly are.

The rewards of the game are confrontation with fear, contact with your deep sorrow, and wrenching transformation.

Also:  rapture, ecstasy, connection, synchronous flow, truth, and delicious unending happiness.

The rewards begin as soon as you start playing.

They end as soon as you give up and settle for playing a smaller, finite game.

The infinite game of the Dreamer's Tantra is this:

1. Dream Yourself Awake

Every day, first thing in the morning, vividly dream yourself as an unstoppable, heroic, wildly powerful, fully awake being who is utterly committed to liberating all beings from suffering and delusion.

Feel yourself pulse with awareness, compassion, magnetism, fire.



(This is Red Tara, the Buddha of Awake Desire. I practice imagining myself as Red Tara. It does wonders for the complexion.)

Live out your commitment to liberating all beings by showing up at work, at school, at play as your immensely magical, completely strange, highly improbable, profoundly offensive, devastatingly awake self.

Likewise, see everyone else - from the barista at the coffee shop to your grumpy boss -  as immensely magical, highly improbable, and devastatingly awake.

Practice the same vivid imagination of yourself as a powerful, awake being before you go to sleep each night. Keep it up.

2. Love Everyone

Every day, practice The Four Immeasurable Thoughts  - especially when people piss you off, or you feel doubtful or disappointed.

Loving everyone doesn't mean coddling anyone or "being nice."  It means being fully committed to healing your own mind of alienation, anger, and attachment so that you can be present in your full power so that everyone else can be, too.


Feel the sexual energy of desire in your body.  Know that that  energy in your genitals is identical with the loving desire in your heart to free everyone.  Trust your eros.

3. Don't Hide

Ask for what you want.  Revel in it. Speak your truths.  Say the real thing instead of the polite or "appropriate" thing. Drop your rules about what people can and can't do around you. Show up and be ready for all kinds of play.

Wham! Magic.

(This is a galaxy. It is magic. It is electric rainbow swirling and not giving a fuck.  Why are you?)

Give people the opportunity to feel shocked, betrayed, and angered by you and what you want and what you feel and think.  How else are they supposed to meet you? How else are you supposed to liberate them?

Let yourself touch and be touched.

How to win

In order to reap the rewards of the Dreamer's Tantra game, there's only three things you need to do:

1) Involve as many people in the game with you as you possibly can

2) Keep playing yourself

3) Protect the game from ever ending


How to use this group

Here, share with us your experiences in playing this game, the Dreamer's Tantra.

How do you change each day as you continue to dream yourself awake, love everyone, and not hide?

What pain comes up for you? And what wonders?

You can use this group to find other people to dream awake with, love wildly, and show up to.

You can be your magic, unstoppable, vast self here with us.





Posted on September 6, 2013 and filed under Uncategorized.

3 Things I Learned about Orgasm and Life at OneTaste's OMX 2013 in San Francisco

In early August I attended the first OMX 2013 in San Francisco.  I went because I've been involved with the Orgasmic Meditation ("OM" for short) community in my hometown of Pittsburgh and my experience has been so helpful and transformative that I knew I for sure wanted to be at OMX, the first-ever OM conference. Woman s Hand Squeezing Bed Sheet


(A brief description of OM, from OneTaste.)

(I like to think of OM as an important Tantric technology for this modern age. )

Here's what I learned about orgasm (in OM parlance, "orgasm" means "sexual pleasure, energy" not just the contractions of sexual climax) and myself at OMX.

#1 OMX Discovery: I can be totally orgasmic and totally miserable at the same time

So get this - I had planned to show up at OMX all super-powerful and charming and sexy.

Instead, right before I left for San Francisco a man I care about a lot, The Taoist Punk Rock Sage (we'll just call him the Sage for short) rejected my flirtatious advances with a flat "not interested." And I let this "not interested" diminish my all-powerful-sexy-super-woman glow.

Also, my period started.  And I realized I was nearly out of all monetary funds. BUMMER.

And for some unfathomable reason, I decided not to sleep the night before my flight.

So I showed up at OMX as a super-tired, teary, highly-distraught, love-lorn hormonal mess.  And I proceeded on that way throughout the weekend.

I wandered through most of the conference - including the very large group OM sessions - completely miserable, brimming with self-pity, and full of incredible resentment towards all the people appearing to feel super-powerful and charming and sexy while I felt like a bleeding, rejected, unloveable, broke-ass pile of snot.


(There were group OMs in a giant auditorium. 1000 pairs OMing at once. No lie. It was intense. I was there. I sobbed pitiably through a lot of it. Rad.)

I felt super-vulnerable while lost in the shuffle of sexy fun time.

I kept trying to force myself to feel awesome and take control of my conference jolly fun time - and failing dramatically.

Happily, on Saturday night a perceptive and compassionate OneTaste staff person (I'll just call her the Angel) caught me looking fully freaked and sat me down and talked to me and brought in more people to talk to me and basically Made It All Way Better.

Somewhere in the conversation with her and the other folks listening to me sob - I heard the phrase, "That's okay. Cry it out. Tears are just the orgasm coming out of your eyes."

Which is a really, really weird sentence.

And it made total sense.

And it helped.  As I understand it - in OneTaste, there's this wisdom that it's possible to have lots of sexual energy in your body - a state they call "tumescence" - and to be in a state of rejecting oneself or the world while feeling all this energy - and in that condition, the tumescence feels like giant teary misery.

Suddenly I understood my whole life way better.

I'm learning that one of the major things that OM helps with and that OneTaste teaches is that it's possible to work with that condition of tumescence so as to experience it as pleasure and creative power rather than as negative emotion or overly-inflated addictive highs.

#2 OMX Discovery: My pussy can alchemically turn my misery into hot fun

OMing is all about being present to sensation and connection.

At OMX, I met a lover and an OM partner who's had over 18 months of experience with OMing with various women multiple times a day.  So he's an experienced stroker compared to the partners I usually work with in Pittsburgh.

And like, for reals  - I helped this man fold his collection of pussy towels (that's what I call the little hand towels used to tidy up fluids after an OM session) - and this pussy towel-folding process took over an hour.  That's a lot of pussy towels.


(Innocent hand towel - or pussy towel? You decide.)



Seriously though - this man - we'll call him the Ranger - and his experience impressed me a great deal.  He was utterly present with me, extremely empathic, and still managed to take none of my whiny bullshit.  It was - simply put, astounding.

The only other man who had ever communicated so well with me was - well, my dear friend from Pittsburgh who OMs and is doing miracles to create the community here. We'll call that great friend the Communicator for now - since he's just so damn good at it.

The Ranger ended up showing me that I can allow all my feelings - including my unpleasant ones - to be fully present in my body while I'm being stroked - and that when I do that, I can end up feeling profoundly touched and deeply connected.

When I OMed with him, he kept insisting that I go ahead and cry if I felt like crying - that I let myself feel all my anger and frustration.

And I did.

And damn - I came really, really, really hard.

Like, climax is not a goal of the OM practice. And I usually don't experience it during a session.  But in really letting go into feeling the sensation of those sucky emotions that I often fight hard to avoid - some alchemical transmutation happened and all that misery converted into hot, electric, connected pleasure.

This was a major lesson for me - I've since repeated that letting-go in other OM sessions and have had similarly hot results. I never knew I could do that before - feel my misery with my pussy and have it turn into hotness and connection.

It's a revelation and it's unlocked a new level of sex for me that I didn't really know existed.

So thank you, Ranger.

#3 OMX Discovery:  OM generates super-powers in people who do it a lot overtime

So for a time I thought maybe it was just a freak coincidence that my friend the Communicator was really good at tuning into me and listening to me and being present with me.

And I thought maybe it was also just a freak coincidence that I had a giant Kundalini awakening and a huge increase in my psychic perception and general ability to attract synchronicity soon after I started OMing.

And then I met a bunch of people at OMX and in the Bay Area OM communities the week after OMX... and discovered that many people who have been involved in the practice for a while have uncanny magic powers.

Like giant amounts of empathy and psychic perceptiveness.

Not to mention that they tend to offer a quality of deep, penetrating conversational attention that's extraordinarily rare and wonderful.

One man in particular, we'll just call him the Alchemist -  stunned me with how rapidly he saw into and spoke to me of depths of myself that almost no one tends to perceive - or if they do, they don't voice it.  Especially not within a brief time of meeting me.

The Alchemist told me things about myself within 15 minutes of me talking to him that were utterly true and that I usually keep in close reserve or just don't expect anyone to notice.

It was hot.

So basically what I'm trying to say is that I really want every man and woman in the world to have access to Orgasmic Meditation and to the communication wisdom that OneTaste teaches.  Because it goes a long, long way towards creating connection where only frustration existed before.

In Conclusion

My experience at OMX 2013 was messy, intense, and ultimately  sexy and astounding and loving and  magical at a level that it couldn't have shown me if I had shown up in perfect control.

I'm looking forward to learning much more about how to surrender and transmute in this practice -- and to becoming more deeply connected in this community.

I hear there's another OMX planned for December - and I plan to be there.

How about you?

Yay for orgasm. ;)




Posted on August 29, 2013 and filed under Uncategorized.

On becoming the Summer Queen

After Solstice this year, I realized something that both excited me and terrified me - that I was a Queen of sorts, and that I had to own that.  Fully. I'd played the Summer Queen throughout my life at rituals, festivals and particularly at the Midsummer Night's Dream Solstice Ritual at Bandi Shaum.

Photo on 2013-06-21 at 09.30 #2


(here's me doing the Summer Queen thing)

I'd gotten a reputation for it - which would take me awhile to describe fully - but it gradually came to involve being greeted as a Queen in the most unexpected of places - like at the Occupy Pittsburgh camp in People's Park in Fall of 2011, where many of the Occupiers turned out to be the very same people who participated as members of the fairy courts in the aforementioned Solstice Party and Ritual that I helped to put on.

That cooled down for awhile. I went into a kind of hiding. I had my big ups and downs with my marriage and unmarriage. I didn't feel too queenly in the depths of my despair last winter.

Then the Summer Queen vibe came again into a deep intensity right after the Solstice party this year - I experienced a profound energetic awakening - I danced topless on the Plateau in a tantric ritual for hundreds of people - and I realized that my bodhisattva vow was a tantric one - which means I'm a Mother of Dragon Bodhisattva Heroes and Heroines - and just about everywhere I went people and things manifested around me that met me with the beauty and luxury befitting - well, a Queen.



(yeah, on good days this is what it feels like)

This included happening to make friends with a gifted cello player on the day of the supermoon - a cello player who then accompanied me and my other friends to the highest hill in Pittsburgh, Sugartop in the Hill District - and who magestically and tenderly played her cello to the moon for herself and for us.

My body thrilled to her cello strings and to the deep light of the moon on the rivers and the glory of the city while other friends massaged my bare body with lotion while I lay on a fur rug that we had hefted up the hill.

As this happened, the fact that I was being treated to a spontaneous level of courtly, mystical luxury beyond my wildest dreams was very hard to ignore.  It struck me as a deep invitation.

An invitation that terrified me.

Over the past month since the Solstice, it's begun to sunk into me that being a Queen comes with a lot of responsibility.

There's much work to be done, many heroes to be awakened, many layers of shadow and ego in myself to purify.

There's many other monarchs and wizards and witches to contend with and collaborate with.

There's many angry mobs and Pirate Gangs of rogue fire spinners to clash with.

There's many festive anarchic crowds to play with.

There's needs of the people to be met - needs for permaculture gardens and food, needs for clean water, needs for joy and celebration - and needs to have a Queen to serve or plot against or utterly worship or try to burn at a stake or whatever the fuck they most want.



(Bitches be all like "the Summer Queen ain't tough" and I be all like, "Stand back, bitches!")

Basically, I've realized that I've been called to be a mythic container for a cultural renaissance.

And I'm willing. I'm willing. I'm here. I will do it.

Posted on July 28, 2013 and filed under Bodhicitta.

The Apocalypse 2013 as Truth Unveiling - Mourning Friends in Denial

The apocalypse isn't zombies and atom bombs. Apocalypse means "the unveiling." The unveiling of truth. I feel it happening in me and see it in people all around me. I'm now in deep mourning for several people in my life that are avoiding me like I'm the Red Death -

- literally, not figuratively - they're running and hiding in bushes when they see me coming -

- this started last month when I lost my ability to dissemble and my willingness to enable any falsehood in myself or others.

I love these friends and lovers, more passionately and truly than I will ever be able to say. I see the genius and heroism in them that they don't see.

I'm in mourning for my personal loss of the beautiful aspects of their company. Their singing voices. Their eyes when they're unguarded and gleaming. Their touch.

And I'm and also mourning for them that they don't seem interested in accepting something about the world that's become so plain to me.

This plainness is that the "world" - as in Babylon, as in the lie - is ending. We're at the apocalypse, right now. It's the truth unveiling itself in our hearts and in our words.


And honestly, I'm scared for these friends and lovers and their wellbeing. Because they're in deep denial.

And this is no time for denial.

Denial is the flavor of falsehood that enables addiction.

Denial and addiction is a wretched way to live. I know because I lived it full-time for years.

I know because I used it to keep myself small.

It's a way of life that's made up of evasion and avoidance and non-acceptance of one's heart's power and truth.

It's a way of life that's made up of disconnection and alienation and paranoia.

Denial doesn't meet the fact that our society's consumptive way of life is totally unsustainable, that it has only existed for about 100 years...

... that the global economy is in tumult....

... that our main means of getting food relies on a tenuous system of oil...

....that our society gives every sign of being about to crumble at the same time that its brutal barren scourge of cynicism and boringness and refusal of all Enlightenment-era liberties is at a hysterical pitch...

I'm no longer interested in denial and falsehood because the vast truth is so much sweeter.

The truth, as I experience it, includes the facts that

.. that there's incredible power and magic inside each one of us, readily accessible via meditation and tantra and imagination and yoga...

... that none of us have to do this alone, that we're all each other's brothers and sisters and fathers and mothers...

... that community and non-alienated labor can meet our real needs about a billion times better than atomized corporatist labor and consumption...

... that we all have things we're astoundingly good at and deeply love to do and that when we each do just what it is we truly love to do - whatever it is - grow food, write books, make music, build houses, sew clothes - then things work.

The truth is gleaming. It sounds like my missing friends' singing voices. It looks like their eyes when they're open.

Beauty is truth; truth beauty; that's all ye can know on earth and all ye need to know.

Have you lost the ability to dissemble lately?

Are you missing any dear ones who are still in denial? What's your experience?


Sacred Feminine Rising 2013 with the Grand Water Trine - also, Tidal Waves of Awesomeness and Consciousness Shift

My consciousness is very much shifting with the Grand Water Trine of 2013 into a major awakening of kundalini and the sacred feminine. grandwatertrine2013pretty

I am still deep in the wondrous throws of it.

I feel the divine feminine roaring in me big time, and see it roaring in the people all around me too.

I have a feeling that this is the actual arrival of the Age of Aquarius.


I've been experiencing

  • non-stop synchronicity
  • exponential psychic growth
  • prophetic states of apotheosis with the Goddess
  • an inability to enable or protect falsehood in myself and others
  • a huge sense of empowerment in my femininity combined with a flow-ness that makes it tough to navigate practical life
  • a really intense impatience with cowardice in myself and in others, especially men
  • a huge fascination with creating a new imagination of sacred alchemical chivalry
  • a giant interest in the battle to dissolve the Nothing, which I feel becoming more intense everyday

... and I've been having people from all over the world, especially women and folks who highly identify with their own feminine energy reporting the same thing.

If you've been experiencing these things, please write to me and tell me about it:

Here are some things that I believe precipitated this giant kundalini awakening / Goddess apotheosis state in me recently and in past years:

  • aspring to and then taking Bodhisattva vows / cultivating bodhicitta
  • doing intense metta and Brahmavihara practice
  • taking the Shambhala Everyday Life classes at my local Shambhala Center with Acharya Adam Lobel
  • practicing Tonglen avidly as part of my Bodhisattva / bodhicitta practice
  • studying and practicing Higher Worlds and How to Know Them by Rudolf Steiner
  • talking to Dr. Andrew Harvey of Sacred Activism about the Cosmic Christ
  • reading and practicing A Course in Miracles for many years
  • being involved in 12 step recovery also for many years
  • doing tons and tons of The Work of Byron Katie
  • re-reading Plato's Symposium recently with an erstwhile philosopher lover of mine
  • watching tons of Die Antwoord videos (they're enlightened tantric masters doing lots of shadow integration work, I've decided)
  • watching tons of Lana Del Rey and Rihanna videos (ditto as for Die Antwoord)


  • doing community work with Evolver, Transition, Shambhala, the Unity Center, and the magical community in Pittsburgh in general
  • watching Baz Lurhman's The Great Gatsby (which is all about desire) and listening to the soundtrack - especially to Jay-Z's and Kanye West's No Church in the Wild which is of huge importance to me now:


  • writing my book, Awaken Your Genius
  • writing my novel, The Arcana
  • finishing my dissertation, Poetic Inquiry
  • committing to being truthful
  • getting lots of feedback on my ideas from Facebook friends - also, if you'd like to keep up with me easiest, please friend me on Facebook, that's where I do a ton of my writing these days.
  • committing to refraining from taking or coveting anything that isn't naturally mine for my life journey
  • experimenting with the Six Yogas of Naropa especially tummo meditation
  • having my very painful personal apocalypse in 2012 of getting married to a deep love of my life and then unmarried
  • undergoing alchemical transformation within that marriage / unmarriage
  • recovering from my deep despair this spring via Bodhisattva aspiration, EFT, and lots of socializing via a club I helped to found in town called Weekly Walking Club which takes long walks in all weathers on Sunday afternoons and often parties before and after.
  • talking a lot to other magical people in the Dreamer's Tantra Facebook group that I facilitate (come join us!)
  • leading a giant Summer Solstice ritual to create sacred alchemical chivalry between the masculine and feminine in all of us ona big plateau and playing the Fairy Queen Titania throughout that night
  • receiving lots of insight from very wise men including the astrologer Adam Elenbaas of Nightlight Astrology and the all-around creative dynamo Matthew Stillman of Stillman Says



And also being supported by a lot of other magical people in Pittsburgh including my dear friends




All of which is to say - creating and raising little Kundalini awakening Dakini Buddha Babies like myself takes a village - actually a whole damn city.

I also just realized that here in Pittsburgh, our gorgeous Three Rivers + our underground Fourth River which fuels our lovely fountain (which was recently fucked by rainbows) is itself a kind of Grand Water Trine - and probably the sacred geography has something to do with why we here in town are experiencing this shift with such marked intensity.

And I'm sure I'll have more to say about it soon - especially on Facebook - please hook up with me there if you're interested.

How about you? What's up with your shift?

Come tell me and lots of us magic people all about it in The Dreamer's Tantra.

Love and tantra,


The Story of a Vow



This is the story of my vow to you and to all.

How I loved you last year under that huge full moon in July at the Rainbow Gathering in Tennessee. How passionately, how tenderly and fully.

It was cold at night in the Smoky Mountains, but you were there, my heart’s husband, with your giant kind eyes and your nimble hands. With silken blond hair and luminous soul and deep voice that soothed me like no other voice ever had.

How vastly I loved you.


I loved you to the furthest extent of romantic love, at a height and at a vibration that many only imagine.  And you loved me the same way.

Heaven is like that week in the Smoky Mountains.  You and I are together and we want for nothing.  You can play music for hours and see the old visions. I can give gems to the sweet travellers who pass by our blanket, and talk to them and listen to them.

At night we hold each other to sleep in the blue grass under the pulsing moon.  In the morning you find coffee for me.  In the dusk we sit at fires where beautiful friends sing haunting songs and tell stories.

You are everything, everything.


I look at you and feel safe and protected and known and cherished.  You hear my kind thoughts and they elevate you.

We go to swim in the jade green lake, naked and laughing with the others.



(me and one of my sisters, Annie Derek, at the Rainbow Gathering)

We understand one another. We are happy as children and everyone can see how dearly we love each other and delight in it. It radiates; it radiates.

It melts into our friendship towards everyone. We are the friends of everyone.

Later that month, back home in Pittsburgh, on the bright morning of the evening you proposed marriage – I knew psychically that you would do it.



(me, in psychedelic love with the addressee)

I readied myself; my whole being sung in glad agreement.  I walked five miles to the meeting of the three rivers in our dream city to meet you.  As I walked I was drunk with delight.

It was July 25th, the day out of time.  We planned our honeymoon to happen at the Global Rainbow Gathering at the Mayan ruins in Mexico, on the week of December 21st, when the world would end.

Then how it stung to lose you.


To lose you as our big wedding came close in the fall.  It hurt like nothing I had ever anticipated.  It felt like being burned alive.  It excoriated me. It drove me mad.

And the week before we were married in mid October, the date you insisted upon, Saturn vaulted into Scorpio again for the first time in the 28 years since I was born.

Saturn, the Great Teacher, brought hard reality to me.

Saturn in Scorpio brought the reality to me that this world is not yet the Rainbow Gathering.  That you and I can’t yet just be together under the moonlight and in the forest, with abundant food and drink and song and warmth.  That we have to work, to toil, and to stress.  And that when we stress we set each other off like evil volcanoes seething.

You drank and hid away in your drawing and music.

I woke you in the nights before the wedding with my anxieties about money and work and you hissed at me like one possessed, speaking in tongues.

I was dead I was dead I was dead I was dead I was dead.

All our friends and all our family celebrated our marriage to each other in the glorying Pennsylvania countryside on a clear, cool day.

But by then you were no longer you and I was no longer me.

Instead of angels kind and radiant, beaming love in all directions, we were both strangers, uptight and insane.

We were demons to each other, cold and cruel and hateful and frightening.


(the fire at our wedding)

I couldn’t even bear to spend our wedding night with you.  And I felt humiliated beyond every degree of shame I ever thought possible.


(confetti fallen at the wedding)

I was married in the eyes of all who knew me but my true love was nowhere I could find him. No matter how I scratched at you or wept or pounded or paced. You were a locked door with no key.


(the lovely cake)

Every morning for more than a month I woke up screaming in my bed at my parent’s house.

I howled bloody murder. I kicked and shouted each day until my mother and father begged me to stop.

All I could think of or speak of was bloody murder.


I wanted to go to our hill in the lush Allegheny cemetery, the hill where we first celebrated our love in May without anyone else’s eyes – with just a picnic and the words of Shelley and Rilke – and there murder myself, slice open my wrists with a kitchen knife and bleed out and die.

After I would stop howling in the morning, after my parents left for work, I would go to the kitchen and sharpen the knife.

And I would pray while I sharpened it, pleading Jesus and Gautama and Mary and any saint anywhere to help me live again.

And I have to tell you, brother.  Jesus and Gautama and Mary and the saints from all times and places – they kept their vows.  They spoke to me when I was shattered.

Seek and you will find. You will know the truth and the truth will set you free.


Gradually in prayer I realized a truth.

I saw that you and I had lost each other due to our self-cherishing, due to our ego grasping, our self-centeredness.

And I saw that in my present form, as a mere limited human, I had no power to end your self-cherishing or to stop your self-destruction.

I could only end mine.


And I saw that if I murdered myself it would stop nothing.  It would end no one’s pain.  It would only make more pain, and I would go to hell.

And as I lay in hell all other beings on earth, all our brothers and sisters and mothers and fathers, would continue to suffer from their lost loves just as I suffered in those days, shouting in my bed about murdering myself as my parents cried.

I broke up with you by letter on December 21st while you traveled in Mexico on our honeymoon without me.  The world had ended.

It was unbearable, the thought of anyone else suffering as we suffered then.

I made a vow.  And I became happy again, this time with an unbreakable happiness.

I will realize Buddhahood.  I will awake utterly.


No matter what you decide to do with this life, I know who we are and I know what the purpose of our love is.

It is the same purpose possessed by all the loves of all lovers anywhere; it is total liberation for all.

I will fulfill that purpose, no matter if you don’t want to.  No matter if you are too afraid; no matter if you are too weak; no matter if you don’t understand.

I am not afraid. I am not too weak. I understand.


I have died, brother.  My will to protect my self-cherishing died in the posion flames of losing you.  The nigredo of our alchemy scorched it away.  I will never let it dominate me again.

I will leave all delusion.  I will free every being in existence, in this world and all worlds.

If you won’t free yourself, I will free you, eventually.

You can shirk your bodhisattva responsibility in this life if you want to.

You can hate, you can complain, and drink, and woo women, and amuse yourself with art and music until this round concludes.

If I determine I must no longer speak with you on earth in order to realize my goal, then I will do that without flinching.

If I should fail in this lifetime to reach Buddhahood, it doesn’t matter.  I will never never never never stop trying.  I will not forget my aspiration.

In this life or in another I will gain total virtue and siddhis of awesome power.  I will become stronger than diamond, more fleet than light.

I will find you in the bottom pit of hell with a billion others and drag you all out if I must.


I will not rest until every soul has been brought to perfect love, perfect freedom and perfect joy, including mine and yours.

I will take rebirth in samsara endlessly.

Like all my sisters, I am the Magadalene; I am Sophia; I am Prajnaparamita, the Mother of All Buddhas, born and unborn.

Gate, gate, paragate, parasangate, bodhi swaha!

Gone, gone, gone all together beyond, awake at last!

Nothing will stop me.  I will see samsara and nirvana become as one.  I will see you shine in your glory along with all my brothers, O Christ, O Maitreya.

This lifetime no longer exists for me except as a stepping stone to that oneness.  No semblance of love with you or anyone else will ever hold my attention again.

I have had enough of semblances, enough of illusions that can die.  I want only the deathless, and I will find it.

This letter is not an invitation to you to recreate the past with me.  Last summer was only a weak glimpse of the eternal.  It was shattered too easily by the hard facts of this existence and by our self-cherishing.

The romance of our self-cherishing cannot happen again, it’s over.

It’s only purpose was initiation.


The only love that is left, the only relationship there is, is the one of wisdom to compassion, of energy to emptiness, and I will realize it.

And one aeon I will be with you again under a full moon in heaven.  And this time we will be truly free.  There will be no world of theft and heartbreak to return to.  We will have dissolved it.

All our brothers and sister Buddhas will be there with us, singing near fires, telling sublime storie.

And there will be no end to this heaven, no end to anyone’s happiness.


Beings are numberless; I vow to save them.


Delusions are inexhaustible; I vow to exhaust them.

Dharma-gates are boundless; I vow to pass through them.

The Buddha Way is supreme; I vow to embody it.

Happy anniversary, brother.  I love everyone, and you.




Misery is a spiritual emergency

So lately I've been thinking a lot about spiritual emergencies.

Spiritual emergency: a brief introduction

The psychiatrist Stanislav Grof coined the term "spiritual emergency" to refer to periods of intense transformation that in our culture often get interpreted strictly as an illness and only treated through materialist means.

Nigredo alchemy spiritual emergence spiritual emergency

A spiritual emergency is a kind of sickness, but it's also a birth, a coming-into-being of the spiritual self - i.e., an "emergence" and a crisis that requires attention - i.e., an "emergency."

In his work, Grof used the term "spiritual emergency" to refer primarily to episodes of psychosis and disassociation that were actually involuntary or unconscious shamanic explorations. It's my personal experience that spiritual emergency also can include extremely intense misery (i.e., "depression") and unease (i.e., "anxiety").

Misery as spiritual emergency

Intense misery is probably a vastly more common symptom of spiritual emergence than the visionary shamanic episodes that interested Grof.

Intense misery relates to emergence because when it happens in the life of a magically-oriented person who's aiming for awakening, lucidity and illumination - well, that means that it's actually the alchemical phase known as "nigredo" or "blackening, decomposing."

Misery is what occurs when our natural self-centered quest for pleasure and status leads us into our own personal underworld.

For many people not gifted with awareness and knowledge this journey to the underworld leads directly to actual death and degradation.

Suicide is now the second leading cause of death in people aged 15 - 34 in America.

How misery becomes ultimately-liberating nigredo

Misery becomes transformed into ultimately-liberating alchemical nigredo when it's met with honesty, compassion and awareness. We learn to look at our self-centered grasping truthfully, and then to gradually transmute the selfish misery into altruism that uplifts and heals us and everyone around us.

If you're experiencing a state of spiritual emergency lately, please know that I'm always available to talk to on the phone.

Love, Carolyn

image: [Abode of Chaos on flickr]

The 7 traits of highly magic people

1) You know you're magic.


This is the big one.  In their heart of hearts, everyone is magic.  But most folks just don't know it.  It's very sad, and it's not their fault.  They've had the awareness beaten out of them one way or another.  Our society is tres anti-magic.

Part of the mission of magic people is to help folks still stuck in the clay (that's my way of saying "folks steeped in naive materialism or fundamentalism and unaware of their innate magic-ness") understand that magic is real and within them, too.

But basically, if you know you're magic, you're ahead of the game.  Which means you don't really need this article - but look, it's the internet and we're just having fun.

Magic people.

2) Synchronicities happen for you - a lot.


And they tend to speed up when you spend a lot of time on meditation, art, ritual, intentional movement or prayer.  Sometimes they're just cute or silly, but often they're life-changing and dramatic.

The biggest synchronous thing that can happen to a magic person, in my humble opinion, is meeting another magic person.  Or a whole enclave of them.  It's thrilling.  It's overwhelming. It's love.

When lots of synchronicities are going on, I like to say "the jewel net is moving." Because we're all jewels in an infinitely connected web of silken joy.  And sometimes the net shifts and folds in on itself and we run smack into a whole bunch of other jewels. And it's great.

3. You're sensitive to seasons and lunar cycles.


The more magic you are (and remember, being magic is mainly a matter of... knowing that you're magic) the more energies of light and the two big cosmic lamps in our region (the sun and moon) affect your business.

You might find that you can't sleep on full moon nights (all that energy, so ramped up!) and that you go through epic mythopoetic cycles of emotional birth and death as spring turns to summer turns to fall turns to winter.

4. You have very vivid dreams.


Magic people have at least partially-developed aetheric bodies.  This means, at the very least, that one or more of their chakras (Rudolf Steiner liked to call them "lotus flowers") are open and active.

Maybe you're a magic person with a giant, pulsing, highly-empathic heart chakra. Or maybe your third eye is open and you have an easy time seeing the visionary fluid dance of all things.

At the highly-developed end of the spectrum, magic people have fully-formed aetheric bodies that can freely navigate the astral planes.

But having your aetheric sense perceptions open, even a little bit, means that you can see more vividly in the nighttime dream world than others can.  So, you got that goin' for you. Which is nice.

5.  When you fall in love, it's psychedelic.


Forget a loaf of bread, a jug of wine and thou.  When a magic person falls in love (very probably with another magic person), it's more like a sheet of acid, a gallon of mushroom tea and thou.  And I'm not saying that actual drugs are involved.

I'm saying that the intensity of dopamine and oxytocin rushes, in magic brains, tends to produce more than just sexy-cozy-attachment.

They tend to also unleash psychic perception (you can read your lover's thoughts - like, for reals - not just "I was thinking of you!" "I knew you were thinking of me, baby. 'Cause I was thinking of you!"), encounters with your lover in the nighttime dream world, ecstatic sex that ruptures the boundaries of your identity, and other fun stuff.

Also, be careful with all that. It can get hairy if your lover happens to be one of those not-really-very-stable-or-sane magic people. Of which there are quite a few.

Magic people fall in love and it's all like, whoah.


6. You have an abundance of prana.


Or creative energy. Or genius, or whatever you want to call it.

Wilhelm Reich called it "orgone." Kant called it "Geist." Emerson called it "Soul." Mezmer called it "animal magnetism." It's sexual energy which transmutes into different feeling-tones when centered in different chakras and channels in the body.

In other words - even though it's sexual energy, your abundant prana doesn't necessarily feel "sexy" (although it probably does in spring and summer).  It might just feel buzz-y or space-y or urgently creative.

You get seized with the need to write that poem, plan that ritual, record that song, make those spicy ginger fudge brownies. It's implacable.

Also, no matter what you look like, folks tell you that you're "hot." And they mean it. You are. You radiate the light and heat of the cosmos. You're a star, you magic darling.

7. You love to spread the magic around.


Your chief motive for making art, cooking great food, tending your garden, whatever - isn't to be rich or famous. Though that could be cool.

It's to spread the magic around, because you just can't stand not doing it.  The magic is so fun, so beautiful, so warm, so true.

It drives you a little crazy when you can totally see the magic in someone, and they can't see it in themselves.

It drives you maybe even more crazy when you can totally see the magic in the world, and the world at large seems not to tenderly care for and appreciate its magic.

So you put a goodly amount of effort everyday into doing stuff that increases the sum-total of magic and wonder and joy and love and delight in the world.

You turn up the volume on everything gorgeous so it can't be ignored.

In conclusion


You're magic and I am too, and I love you.  I hope you'll join me and a bunch of other magic folks in the Dreamer's Tantra Facebook Group, where we talk about this kinda stuff.


Also, if you're ever feeling in pain or confused about life and magic, I make myself available to talk on the phone whenever.




images: ~rainyXskyz  and ~Lilianne on